This misbegotten mess is less a movie than a string of over-the-top audition monologues, those random set-pieces designed to show off an actor’s facility with language and attitude. Those can be entertaining in their own way, but they do not have anything to do with creating a character or telling a story, just two of the many movie-making essentials that are missing in “Gigli.”

Ben Affleck plays Larry Gigli (pronounced to rhyme with “really”), a small-time enforcer for a small-time hood named Louis. Larry’s latest assignment is to kidnap a retarded young man named Brian (Justin Bartha) to help Louis and his colleagues apply some pressure to Brian’s brother. So Larry picks up Brian and brings him back to his apartment.

A beautiful woman (Jennifer Lopez) who says her name is Ricki tells Larry that she has also been hired by Louis to make sure he does not mess up the job. Larry’s macho ego is affronted, but he is attracted to Ricki, even after she tells him she is gay.

A lot of bickering and bantering later, much of it involving mind-numbing debates over who is the boss and straight vs. gay sex, plus encounters with the mother of one and the ex-lover of the other, Larry and Ricki have to decide whether they are willing to hurt or kill Brian and that leads them to think differently about themselves and each other.

The movie has the traditional odd couple structure — friction, the chance to prove themselves to one another, mutual epiphinies, and finally, respect and affection. But it never finds any tone or direction or believable connection between the characters.

Larry is a one-dimensional dim but macho guy. Ricki is a one-dimensional fantasy figure. Their bickering has no spark, and the evolution of their relationship is not grounded in any way because they are not really characters, just attributes and attitude, with no internal consistency. Larry is devoted to his mother in one scene, but seems to have no thought about abandoning her in another.

The narrative is choppy. It was probably recut following test screenings, but the effect is to make the events unconnected to each other, without any direction or momentum. Let me also point out that in addition to the overdone odd couple plot device, the movie includes several elements from the “should never be in another movie” list, including a vocabulary-building hood and a noble disabled person whose disability shifts according to the requirements of each scene and who transforms the lives of the supposedly normal people around him.

Meanwhile, somewhere in there Christopher Walken (as a cop) and Al Pacino (as a crime boss) drop by for the showy audition-monologue-style scenes that have some verve but add nothing to the plot, tone, or themes of the movie. So does Lainie Kazan, in yet another ethnic earth-mother role, (we really did not need to see her thong underwear — another thing that should be on the “never in another movie list”). Indeed, there really is nothing that could be called plot, tone, or theme in this movie. For a brief, mad, moment I had a flicker of a thought that the mundane inanity of the sordid and petty imperatives imposed on Larry and Ricki might be some Samuel Beckett-style commentary on the existential void. Then I realized that watching the movie put me closer to the existential void than they ever were, and that Godot would arrive long before this movie went anywhere.

It’s not the worst movie ever. It’s not even the worst movie of the year. And it’s not as bad as the Jen/Ben backlash want it to be. But it is not a good movie, and it is a terrible waste of talent.

Parents should know that this movie has graphic violence, non-stop profanity, and extremely explicit sexual references and situations. A character attempts suicide and then disappears from the story. In a better movie, the fact that the most capable and intelligent character is a bi-sexual Hispanic woman would be more worthwhile. Bartha’s portrayal of Brian is probably the most natural and authentic of the movie, but the character of the retarded man is the stereotypical noble disabled person and really no more than a prop for the other characters to react to.

Families who see this movie should talk about why Brian made Larry and Ricki feel differently about their choice of careers. What did it mean when Ricki finally told Larry her real name? What do you think of Sun Tzu’s view that in a a conflict, “angry is a statistically stupid move?” Have you ever used anger to mask sadness? What do you think about the advice to do the thing you’re most afraid of?

Families who like this movie will like director Martin Brest’s much better odd couple movie Midnight Run, starring Robert de Niro and Charles Grodin as a bounty hunter and his bail-jumping captive. They might also enjoy Prizzi’s Honor, about another odd-couple romance of two professional hitmen (I guess a hit-man and a hit-woman) and the quirky Welcome to Collinwood, about a ragtag group of small-time crooks with the dream of just one big-time heist. Rain Man, referred to in this movie, is an Oscar-winning story about a man who meets up with his autistic brother. And in Chasing Amy (for the most mature audiences only), Ben Affleck again plays a heterosexual man in love with a gay woman.

This movie has a better plot, better characters, and better acting than the first one, but let’s be honest about it — no one is going to see this movie for the plot, characters, and acting. The audience for this movie wants to see the movie version of the popular computer game, with Angelina Jolie in very tight clothes decking, kicking, and shooting as many bad guys as possible. All of that is there, and the distractions of plot, character, and acting barely get in the way.

Jolie plays Lady Lara Croft, archeologist/adventurer. Off the coast of San Torini, she discovers an ancient sunken library. Just as she reaches for a glowing yellow orb, the bad guys arrive. When a shot fired by one of them grazes Lara, the blood attracts a shark. Lara punches the shark in the nose and hops on board to ride it back up to the surface of the ocean. That’s the kind of movie this is.

It turns out that the orb is a map to Pandora’s Box. In the myth, Pandora was a curious woman who could not resist opening the box she was told must stay closed. Inside was all the trouble in the world. This Pandora’s Box contains virulent biological agents that will unleash a plague on the world. Jonathan Reiss (Ciaran Hinds), a former Nobel Prize winner turned international dealer in biological weapons, wants what’s in the box and Lara, at the request of the Queen, wants to stop him.

In order to do that, she has to get Terry Sheridan (Gerard Butler), her one-time love-turned mercenary, out of prison. Together, they go after Reiss and the orb in exotic locations, with exotic equipment and modes of transportation, all over the world.

Director Jan de Bont (“Twister,” “Speed”) knows how to stage action, and there are some genuine thrills, especially when Lara and Terry don flying suits that have them soaring through the air like Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Jolie is always fun to watch. But the computer-game origins of the movie are replicated in the staged level-style series of action sequences, and that removes any narrative momentum.

Parents should know that the movie has a lot of violence and peril, some very graphic. Characters are hurt and killed. There are a couple of bad words, and some passionate kisses and sexual references.

Families who see this movie should talk about how Lara decides what is important to her.

Families who enjoy this movie will also enjoy Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This mild spy parody has nothing new, but Rowan Atkinson (“Mr. Bean”) is a gifted comedian who manages to wring some new laughs with material that has already been fully explored in movies from Our Man Flint and Dean Martin’s Matt Helm movies to Spy Hard and Mike Meyers’ Austin Powers series.

Atkinson plays Johnny English, a low-level bureaucrat in England’s spy service who has Walter Mitty dreams of being a field agent. When all of the agents are wiped out through his ineptitude, he gets his chance.

England’s crown jewels have been stolen by French zillionaire Pascal Sauvage (John Malkovich with a Pepe LePew accent), who plans to take over England and turn it into a prison facility. It’s up to Johnny English, his sidekick Bough (pronounced “Boff”) and woman of mystery Natalie Imbruglia to save the day. The spy parts aren’t exciting enough and the funny parts aren’t funny enough, but the overall effect is mildly amusing.

Parents should know that there are a few PG-rated naughty words and some bathroom jokes. Kids not familiar with the long-term French-English political and cultural clashes may be confused by the animosity between the French and English characters.

Families who see this movie should talk about why it was so hard for Johnny English to admit that he had made a mistake.

Families who enjoy this movie will also enjoy Bill Murray’s The Man Who Knew Too Little .

The classic 1966 documentary The Endless Summer by Buce Brown introduced audiences around the world to the glories of surfing and made the search for the perfect wave thrilling and epic. Now Brown’s son Dana has produced this follow-up, another movie about surfing and the people who love it that becomes a stirring tribute to waves and sun and the people who believe that they best honor nature and the farthest potential of the human spirit by riding on the waves.

You may believe that, too, as you see the heart-stoppingly magnificent swells on the most beautiful beaches of the world and the intrepid and deeply devoted people who surf them. Brown shows us children just beginning to surf and those who have been surfing for 30 or 40 years, amateurs and world champions. Some surf in sun-drenched resort areas, on ocean waves that lap up against sparkling white beaches. But we also see the dedicated surfers of Sheboygan, Wisconsin and those who chase supertankers off the coast of Texas to surf in their wakes. Three American brothers go to Ireland to surf on the craggy shores and bring Catholic and Protestant children together to learn to surf with them. A veteran who brought his surfboard with him to Viet Nam returns with his son to surf and meets up with the tiny but dedicated surfing club there. We see the original Gidget and the women she inspired and we catch up with the surfers from the original The Endless Summer. We meet a paraplegic man who broke his neck in a surfing accident but is still happiest when he is surfing. And we see surfers take on the biggest waves in the world, a “because it’s there” dream like that of conquering Mount Everest or walking on the moon.

The stories are striking, but this movie is all about the sights, and they are, simply, glorious. The cameras take us inside the pipe waves so that we can almost smell the saltwater. It is a very sweet ride.

Parents should know that the movie has no bad language, violence, nudity, or sexual references, but some risky behavior.

Families who see this movie should talk about the way that a common passion unites all of the very different people in the movie. What do you think about the idea that the best surfer in the world is the one who is having the most fun? Is there another sport (or any other activity) where attitude and a sense of humor is considered more important than talent and achievement?

Families who enjoy this movie will also enjoy The Endless Summer and its sequel The Endless Summer 2, as well as surfing classics like Gidget, Blue Crush and Point Break.

Camp Ovation does not look like much, but to the high school kids who return there summer after summer, it is close to heaven. Heaven being Broadway, that is.

Camp Ovation is a camp for “theater kids,” those kids who may not be familiar with the songs on the radio but have memorized the entire oeuvre of Stephen Sondheim, including the legendary flops that even Sondheim has probably forgotten. They can’t catch a ball, but they know every kind of stagecraft, from tap-dancing to sword-fighting. These kids feel completely alone all year long, except when they come together each summer to put on a full theatrical production every two weeks.

If this sounds like Fame with pine trees, you’ve got the right idea. Writer/director Todd Graff filmed the story at the real-life theater camp he attended and then worked at as a counselor. His affection for the camp and the kids and and his eye (and ear) for detail are very engaging. When the kids are first gathering at the buses that will take them to the camp, one girl re-introduces herself to another with a marvelous throwaway line, reminding her that they had appeared together in the suicide drama, “‘night Mother.”

But, as it should be, what is best about the movie is the kids. At the center of the story are Vlad (Daniel Letterle) and Ellen (Joanna Chilcoat). The kids are a little suspicious of Vlad because he seems too normal — an all-American straight boy who likes to skateboard and throw a football. Ellen is a more typical Ovation camper, a sensitive and insecure girl. Her close friend Michael (Robin de Jesus), is a gay boy who was thrown out of his school prom and beaten up because he arrived in drag. Then there is Jill (Alana Allen), already a diva, and Fritzi (Anna Kendrick), her devoted sidekick.

The performances by the kids are terrific, with Broadway show tunes from “Promises, Promises,” “Follies,” “Gospel at Colonus,” and “Dreamgirls.” Kendrick and Sasha Allen (Dee) are standouts, with true show-stopping Broadway voices.

There is some sharp dialogue, well delivered. The plot is too cluttered, however, including not just the expected romantic complications, adolescent angst, and even the future of Broadway musicals, but also a one-hit composer with a drinking problem that is resolved too neatly, and an All About Eve subplot about a sabotaged performer that is resolved too messily. The Vlad character is particularly overdone, burdened with at least two too many plot twist/quirk-style complications. Letterle does his best, but no one could pull all of that off.

Parents should know that the movie has very strong language and sexual references and situations for a PG-13. An adult character is an alcoholic. One of the movie’s strengths is the way that the love for theater gives these kids so much in common that other differences, including race and sexual orientation, are warmly embraced.

Families who see this movie should talk about how several of the kids are deeply hurt by parents who do not support their interests and talents. They should also talk about Bert’s bitterness — why did he think it would make him feel better to speak to the kids the way he did? Why didn’t it?

Families who enjoy this movie will also enjoy Fame (some mature and upsetting material).