Smile of the Week: What Is Happiness
Posted on February 16, 2017 at 3:55 pm
When you ask people what happiness is, their answers may surprise you.
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Smile of the Week: Soul Pancake on the Power of Accepting Compliments
Posted on March 23, 2015 at 8:00 am
My very wise mother always says, “If someone pays you a compliment, don’t argue or deflect it. Just lower your eyes and say, ‘Thank you.'” This wonderful film from the great folks at Soul Pancake shows exactly how important that is.
#scienceoflove
Be sure to check out the earlier film I posted from Soul Pancake about the science of gratitude.
My Thoughts on Happiness, Work, and Family
Posted on June 4, 2013 at 3:34 pm
Many thanks to the Huffington Post for publishing my thoughts on happiness, work, and family in connection with this week’s Third Metric Conference.
Pretty much everything you’ve ever been told about what will make you happy and secure is wrong.
You shouldn’t be surprised to hear that. In your heart, you know that you’ve been listening to the two least trustworthy sources in the world. The first is the people who want to sell you the idea that doing what they want you to do, whether it is buying some product or accomplishing some goal, will make you feel better about yourself.
The second is even more insidious. It’s that little voice inside you that has internalized all the people who made you feel embarrassed or inadequate — your judgmental aunt, your crabby teacher, the mean girls, your awful boss, your frenemies. They are the people who keep you thinking that you do not deserve to be loved, even by yourself — especially by yourself.
Those are the voices of the first and second metrics — money, power, being thin, looking young and somehow achieving the kind of professional success that gets you on magazine covers while giving exquisitely-prepared dinner parties and raising children who ace their SATs. It is time to talk about the third metric — cherishing intimacy, finding meaning and doing work that matters, what Jewish tradition calls tikkun olam: healing the world.
It is true that some people achieve true happiness primarily through professional achievements. Those are the people who know from the moment they’re born that they were put on this earth to break world records and create great works of art and run big organizations. Good for them. We need them. But that does not mean we want to try to be them when that’s not who we are.
We speak of a “third metric” because we are trying to braid three different strands: work, family, ourselves. That begins by getting rid of the notion of work-life balance. There is no such thing. It’s just like a board game: you have to choose between hearts, stars and dollars. You don’t balance them. You establish your priorities.
For most people, men and women, that will mean that what comes first is your adult intimate relationship. I am not saying this out of some retro ’50s women’s magazine notion of being responsible for your partner’s domestic happiness. My advice applies equally to men and women. Whether or not you believe that a loving, intimate partnership is the key to happiness, I think you will agree with this: We make our biggest mistakes in our professional lives when we try to make them fill the space we are missing in our personal lives. If you know who you are at home, if you get what you need emotionally and spiritually at home, you will be a better, more professional, more capable person at the office. It is just as important for single people to make their adult outside-of-work connections their priority.
It may sound heretical to say that the kids come second. My husband and I had the lifeboat conversation like every other parent and agreed that while we loved each other deeply, we would of course save the kids over each other. That is the choice you make when you become a parent. We love our children selflessly. Anchoring yourself in your primary adult relationship is a great perspective restorer that will make you a better parent. It will keep you from boundary issues with your kids that happen when we ask them to be better us-es than better thems.
And here is a thought that is even more heretical: Your first duty to your family is your own happiness. It takes enormous courage to be happy. It takes a bracing honesty with yourself. It takes a constant sense of gratitude and a lot of thank you’s to everyone, from those closest to you to those you will see only once. It takes a clear notion of happiness that is separate from pleasure. Pleasure is important, too, but it is not happiness.
And there’s an added bonus: you will be more successful, by any standard, at work as well. You will project an air of confident authority and you will make wiser decisions. People will want to work with you and for you.
Being happy does not require everything in your life to be perfect and contentment does not mean that you have lost sight of what needs to be fixed. The Talmud says, “It is not upon you to finish the work, but you are not free to ignore it.”
You can start very simply, by resisting the temptation to go to a place of snark, smugness and sarcasm. Of course you should share real problems with real friends. But those eye-rolling “joke” insults are not funny; they are toxic. It means not spending time worrying about things you can’t control, especially how anyone else feels about you. Stop expecting that your work, your partner, or your family will make you happy. It’s the other way around. You are happy first.
You deserve to be happy. And the adults and children in your family deserve a happy you. In a recent TED talk, Bruce Feiler described a study that asked 1,000 children what they would most want to change about their lives. They said they wished their parents were less stressed. Children deserve to have parents who do not seem overwhelmed. We all say we want our children to be happy. The best way to make that happen is to be a model of someone who knows how to be happy.
List: Happiness Movies
Posted on June 15, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I believe that happiness is a choice, and one that requires courage and honesty. And I believe that happiness is a moral choice. We spend so much time thinking that we would be happy if we only had this or that or if the people around us would only do this or that or that if we allow ourselves to be happy we will become vulnerable when it is taken away. But everyone must take responsibility for his or her own happiness.
Many people forget that there is a difference between happiness and pleasure. They may feel similar, but pleasure is a momentary response that comes from outside stimuli and happiness is a frame of mind that comes from an inner sense of purpose, mastery, generosity, kindness, and connection. Happy people are well aware of life’s struggles and tragedies but know that it is in no way disrespectful to the pain and loss and injustice of the world to stay connected to all that is good, kind, and loving.
These are lessons we must be taught and re-taught. Many great movies are wonderful teachers about happiness, with characters who set great examples and stories that help to remind us of what it is in our own lives that make us happy. Very often they have what I call the “Cat in the Hat” theme — a straight-laced character who is not getting much out of life is transformed through contact with a character or circumstance that triggers the questioning of assumptions and the throwing off of restrictions.
Here’s a list of a dozen happiness movies. Some of these movies are about happiness, some make us happy — and some do both.
Hairspray Tracy Turnblad (Nikki Blonsky) is like a box of sunshine in this cheery musical about the integration of a Baltimore teen dance television show. “You can’t stop my happiness, ‘cuz I like the way I am.”
Duck Soup
The Court Jester Pure joy. This musical story of a medieval rebellion is Danny Kaye’s best movie, and one of the funniest comedies ever, with a plot that is both exciting and hilarious and a heroine who is courageous and loving. “Life could not better be…”
Yellow Submarine
The Incredibles In this instant classic from Pixar, characters with superpowers that essentially super-size traditional family roles give great resonance to the story: the father strong, the mother stretched in a dozen different directions, the hyper-active son and the daughter who just wants to be invisible and create a force field to keep the world away. “You keep trying to pick a fight, but I’m still just happy you’re alive.”
Some Like it Hot The American Film Institute’s pick for the funniest movie of all time is a Roaring Twenties story about two male musicians on the run from the mob who pretend to be women so they can hide out in an all-girl band. Hilarious, exciting, musical, and romantic, it is non-stop pure entertainment. And it even has a good lesson about honesty, authenticity, and, yes, the difference between pleasure and happiness. “Well, nobody’s perfect!”
A Thousand Clowns
Step into Liquid This documentary about surfing is a stirring tribute to waves and sun and the people who believe that they best honor nature and the farthest potential of the human spirit by riding on the waves. The footage is exhilarating and it is touching to see the way that even competitive surfers believe that the winner is the one who has the most fun.
Amelie (some mature material) This lovely French fairy tale is the story of a shy young waitress who learns that the greatest happiness comes from helping others. “Amelie has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It’s a perfect moment. A soft light, a scent in the air, the quiet murmur of the city. A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her.”
Sullivan’s Travels A successful Hollywood director wants to stop making his popular comedies so he can produce a serious film about economic hardship. He goes undercover as a homeless man and learns that he can do more to help those who are suffering by making them laugh than by trying to tell them about life’s miseries. “There’s a lot to be said for making people laugh. Did you know that that’s all some people have? It isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing in this cockeyed caravan.”
Happy-Go-Lucky
Pollyanna
Thank You
Posted on October 1, 2008 at 8:00 am
The two most powerful words I know are “thank you.” A simple statement of acknowledgment and gratitude transforms the person who says it as well as the person who hears it. If every one of us just added five “Thank yous” to each day we could change the world. So many souls shrivel waiting for some recognition. I love this poem by Jan Struther:
Hard words will break no bones:
But more than bones are broken
By the inescapable stones
Of fond words left unspoken.
Watch this clip by Laura Trice from Ted Talks about the power of saying “Thank you.” Some people will object to her suggestion that we ask for thanks, but what she is saying is that it can be a gift to those closest to us to confide in them about what we are proud of. She is not telling us to be needy or demanding. She is suggesting that we share ourselves and let those we love share in return.
A similar idea comes from writer Carolyn See, who recommends writing a “charming note” every single day to help launch a writing career. She suggests you write to authors and editors whose work you like to let them know — specifically — how much you appreciate them. To be charming, a note must be hand-written on beautiful note paper and it must not ask for anything. It’s a good idea to leave out most details about you and your aspirations because that is an implied request for a favor.
I think a daily “charming note” is a great exercise for anyone with or without a specific ambition. The discipline of gratitude is essential for all of us but we often feel we are too busy or worry that it makes us too vulnerable.
So thanks to all of you who visit this site and especially to those who post comments, whether praise or complaint. I am very grateful to you all. And here is one more story I love about the importance of expressing appreciation.