Could it BE any more atrocious?

This stupifyingly appalling mess of a movie takes the definition of “not funny” to a new low. The gravitational pull of its massive lack of humor is so strong that if you listen carefully you may be able to hear it sucking comedy out of actual funny movies right this minute.

Scardy-cat dentist Oz (Matthew Perry), retired hit-man Jimmy (Bruce Willis), former dental receptionist and wanna-be hitperson Jill (Amanda Peet), now married to Jimmy, and former wife of Jimmy Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge), now married to Oz, are all back for this sequel to The Whole Nine Yards. But someone forgot to invite a screenwriter. There is no story. There are no jokes. All we get is Oz slamming into walls, failed attempts at hitman humor and a lot of anticipation with no pay-off whatsoever.

Kevin Pollack provides a couple of bright moments as bad-guy Lazlo, father of the bad guy killed off in the last movie (also played by Pollack). But the rest of the movie is nothing but the teeth-rattling thud of one failed joke after another. The dialogue is terrible. The physical humor is almost painfully bad. The plot (Lazlo wants to kill Jimmy; Jimmy wants Lazlo’s money) is muddled and incoherent. Perhaps the most painful is the movie’s timing, which in overly optimistic fashion leaves moments for audience laughter that never comes, so there are excruciating sags in momentum after every would-be quip and pratfall.

With Almost Heroes and Serving Sara, Matthew Perry has now appeared in what could someday be a triple feature at the legendary Hell’s Multiplex theater in Esquire’s Dubious Achievement awards.

Parents should know that the movie is violent for a PG-13, with characters who are hired assassins. There is fighting and gunplay and characters are shot and killed. Some of this is intended to be humorous. Characters use strong language and drink, including getting drunk. This is also intended to be humorous. Characters use strong language. There are sexual references and situations, including off-screen sex vividly portrayed through sound and two naked men waking up in bed together wondering what happened. This is also intended to be humorous. It isn’t. Boy, it isn’t.

Families who see this movie should talk about why it is such an awful failure.

Families who might be interested in this movie will enjoy the better (R-rated) original as well as better films with Bruce Willis, including Die Hard and The Sixth Sense. And until Perry makes a good movie, they should stick to watching him on Friends.

We don’t ask for much from explosion and chase movies, just some cool explosions and chases, plus some attitude, a couple of lines of snappy dialogue, an interesting bad guy, and a plot that doesn’t get in the way. This movie fails in every category.

It’s always a bad sign when a movie can’t make up its mind what its title is and so goes with two. And it’s an even worse sign when both titles are as dumb as these.

Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu play Ecks and Sever, two brilliant agents who start out on opposite sides and then end up on the same side. There is some assassination device and a kidnapped child and a wife who was supposed to be dead but may still be alive. But mostly, the movie is about shooting and hitting, an endless barrage of bullets and bazookas to a point that is way past mindless fun and on the brink of being pornographic. The dialogue is not quite up to the level of awards-show cue cards, and the score is generic, bass-heavy techno-punk.

“Ballistic” is more video game than movie, though video games have more interesting characters. There is not much dialogue, and what there is is unforgivably dumb. Ecks sees Sever’s warehouse-sized collection of weapons and asks where she got it. She responds, “Some women buy shoes.” In addition to the pretentious fake-clever dialogue, we have pretentious fake-tough and even fake-meaningful dialogue that is even harder to sit through. And there are also endless shots of Lucy Liu shooting huge guns in slow motion, with her hair artistically flowing, plus even more of the usual magically bullet-proof characters who constantly run into gunfire without getting hit but manage to hit the other side every time they fire. It even has the unfathomably stupid cliché of the adversaries stopping in mid-battle to drop all of their hardware on the ground so that they can have a “fair fight.”

Parents should know that the movie has constant graphic violence and brief strong language. The only real strength of the movie is its portrayal of minorities and women as strong, smart, brave, loyal, and honest.

Families who see this movie should talk about the choices people must make when they are faced with enemies who do not follow the rules. How do you fight them without becoming bad guys yourself? Can someone be an agent without putting his or her family at risk?

Families who enjoy this movie will enjoy better films like “The Transporter.”

Plot: The Sycamore family, a group of loving and lovable eccentrics presided over by Grandpa (Lionel Barrymore), includes daughter Penny (Spring Byington), who writes lurid plays, her husband Paul (Samuel S. Hinds) who makes fireworks in the basement with Mr. DePinna (Halliwell Hobbes), the iceman who came by to deliver ice nine years before and just stayed. Mr. Poppin (Donald Meek), who loves to make mechanical toys, has just joined them. The Sycamores have two daughters. Essie (Ann Miller) loves to dance, and her husband Ed (Dub Taylor) plays the xylophone. They sell candy to make a little money. The other daughter, Alice (Jean Arthur), is the only one in the family with a job. She works for a banking firm, and has fallen in love with the boss’ son, Tony Kirby (Jimmy Stewart).

A man from the IRS visits, to find out why Grandpa has never paid any taxes. The neighbors are all being evicted because the land is being sold to developers who intend to build a factory. And Tony’s very elegant and snobbish parents arrive for dinner on the wrong night, descending upon the Sycamore family just as Ed is arrested for enclosing seditious statements in the candy boxes and all the fireworks blow up. Various crises of finance and embarrassment and misunderstanding ensue, but all are straightened out, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Discussion: The well-loved play by George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart is given the Frank Capra treatment, sometimes called “capra-corn.” The entire populist sub-plot about the land being sold and the appearance of most of the characters in court are the additions of Capra and his screenwriter, Robert Riskin, and they make the film seem a bit dated. But children will enjoy the way that everyone in the family joyfully pursues his or her own dreams, and the way they all respect and support each other.

Discuss with children the way that some characters in the movie do not even seem to notice how eccentric they appear to others, while others notice and enjoy being different, and still others try desperately to appear “normal.” Children may have their own ideas about what “normal” means and whether it makes them feel entertained or uncomfortable to be around people who have a different idea of normality. All children feel embarrassed by their families at times, and it is worth paying attention to the way that Alice learns, with Tony’s help, that her family is not as unacceptable to the “normal” world as she feared.

Questions for Kids:

· Would you like to live in a family like this one?

· Which family member is most like you?

· Why did Tony tell his parents the wrong night for dinner at the Sycamore’s?

· Notice the difference between the way that the Sycamores and the Kirbys react when they get arrested. Why?

· What does the title mean?

Connections: This movie won Academy Awards for Best Picture and Best Director. Kaufman and Hart were the most successful playwrights of their day, and some of their other plays have been made into movies, too. “George Washington Slept Here,” with Jack Benny and Ann Sheridan, is a very funny story about a family that moves into a ramshackle house. “The Man Who Came to Dinner” is about a nightmare dinner guest who falls and breaks his hip and is stuck in the house long enough to cause complete disruption for everyone. Kaufman was co-author, with Edna Ferber, of “Stage Door,” about a group of young would-be actresses. It was made into a movie starring Katherine Hepburn and Ginger Rogers, and featuring Ann Miller, Lucille Ball, and Eve Arden. He was also the author of some of the Marx Brothers’ most popular movies.

Activities: Younger kids will enjoy Weird Parents by Audrey Wood, about a boy whose parents are even more outlandish than the Sycamores. Older kids can have fun getting a copy of the play and acting out some of their favorite scenes.