Matteo Garrone’s Tale of Tales is fabulous in every sense: a freaky portmanteau film based on the folk myths collected and published by the 16th-century Neapolitan poet and scholar Giambattista Basile – Garrone worked on the adaptation with Edoardo Albinati, Ugo Chiti and Massimo Gaudioso.
It is gloriously mad, rigorously imagined, visually wonderful: erotic, hilarious and internally consistent. The sort of film, in fact, which is the whole point of Cannes. It immerses you in a complete created world.
Ovid is mulched in with Hansel, Gretel, the Beauty, the Beast, the Prince, the Pauper, in no real order. At times, Garrone seemed to have taken inspiration from Michelangelo Antonioni’s own fabular tale The Mystery of Oberwald – at others, it felt like he had deeply inhaled the strange and unwholesome odour still emanating from Walerian Borowczyk’s Immoral Tales. But there’s also a bit of John Boorman’s Excalibur, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Blackadder, The Company of Wolves, the Tenniel illustrations for Alice in Wonderland… and Shrek.
This movie features two of the most glorious sights on earth — Paradise Island and Salma Hayak in a bikini. Unfortunately, it keeps putting unappealing characters and a dumb story in front of them.
Pierce Brosnan, in movie star scruffy mode, is Max and Hayak is Lola. They are master thieves with tons of panache and style, specializing in unbreakable alibis and sending champagne and hookers to to the hapless FBI agent who has been chasing them for seven years.
Max and Lola are blissfully retired to a beautiful Caribbean Island. At least Lola is pretty blissful, looking cute in overalls and toolbelt as she expands the deck, writing wedding vows, scuba diving, and inviting boring tourists to share a lobster dinner, though it is not clear whether she is interested in company or in boosting some jewelry.
Max is not adjusting quite as well. He hasn’t managed to write his vows or find a hobby. And then come two arrivals — that FBI agent (Woody Harrelson as Stan Lloyd) and the third Napoleon diamond, the only one Max and Lola haven’t stolen…yet.
Max knows he shouldn’t steal it. But the local crime boss (Don Cheadle) wants him to get it to finance his expansion. Max has never managed to find a hobby. And that unbeatable security system is just sitting there, asking to be beaten.
So far, so good. But the jokes aren’t funny, the romantic encounters are unpersuasive, the pacing sags and drags, and the characters get less appealing as each minute goes by.
In one scene, for no possible logical reason, Max agrees to go out for a day of fishing with Stan. This provides an opportunity for a leaden episode about catching a shark that ends with Stan shooting it because it presents such a danger while it gasps for breath on the deck. The shark’s misery has nothing on ours.
There is also an excruciating scene in which Stan and Max rub sunblock on each other’s backs, which sends them into a homosexual panic, setting up an ugly situation later on when they end up in bed together (on the flimsiest of premises) and Stan’s FBI colleagues draw the “wrong” conclusion.
It’s supposed to be funny that the crime boss talks about his work in humanitarian terms, “providing diversion for the underprivileged” with hookers and drugs as he pursues a vision of free love inspired by the songs of the Mamas and Papas. Nope. And it is supposed to be charming that Lola and the local law enforcement officer (Naomie Harris of 28 Days Later) trade compliments on a revolver and a pair of Chanel shoes. Not really.
Parents should know that the movie has some strong sexual references and situations for a PG-13. Characters drink, smoke, and use strong language. A character is a drug dealer. There is fighting and gunplay. Characters are shot and one is killed. The main characters are jewel thieves and the story includes lying and betrayal. The movie is oddly homophobic, with humor built on misinterpreted situations. A strength of the movie is positive portrayals of female and minority characters and inter-racial relationships.
Families who see this movie should talk about why Lola and Max had different attitudes toward retirement. Are you or aren’t you the kind of person who enjoys watching a sunset? Why?
Families who enjoy this movie will enjoy some of the classic heist films, including To Catch a Thief (the DVD Stan takes from Max), Topkapi, Oceans 11 (with Cheadle), and both versions of “The Thomas Crown Affair,” the original with Steve McQueen and the remake with Brosnan.
“The Wild Wild West” has the weak, weak script. It is not unusual to see a trailer that is better than the movie, but in this case the music video is brighter, wittier, and more exciting than the movie.
Will Smith may still own the 4th of July, but this year’s entry is much weaker than his 1996-97 one-two punch of “Independence Day” and “Men in Black.” His unquenchable appeal goes a long way toward making up for poor plotting and dialogue, but not far enough, leaving us with a summer popcorn movie — impossible to resist at the time, but leaving you a bit queasy afterward.
The 1960s television show starred Robert Conrad in a bolero jacket and very tight pants as a Civil War era secret agent. Like the newly popular James Bond, West was a spy who was infinitely attractive with the ladies and who always triumphed over the bad guys, who were always maniacs intent on three things — total world domination, killing West in fiendishly complex contraptions, and making sure that they conveniently explained all their plans to West in time for him to escape from the fiendishly complex contraptions and save the world again. West’s sidekick Artemus Gordon was a master of disguise and technology. Their most frequent foe was Dr. Loveless, played in the series by Michael Dunn. And the whole thing was very much tongue in cheek.
The big-screen version has Will Smith as West, all bolero jacket, tight pants, and attitude, with Kevin Kline as Gordon, Kenneth Branagh as Dr. Loveless, and Salma Hayek as the lovely Rita Escobar, who flirts with all three men and spends much of the movie in fetching 19th century lingerie with a brief detour into a union suit with the trap door open. The plot remains the same — Dr. Loveless, vowing revenge for losing his entire lower half in the Civil War, seeks total world domination, and West and Gordon have a week to stop him. There is some attempt to deal with the fact that West is a black man at a time when most black people had only recently been freed from slavery, but the fact is that the entire movie is so completely preposterous that the effort is awkward and inconsistent with the tone of the rest of the film.
Indeed, the overall tone of the film is awkward, not giving Kline or Hayak much to do, though Kline has a nice turn as President Grant and Hayak looks fetching in her undies. Branagh is happily over the top as the bad guy, there are some cool special effects, and Smith’s charm and grace carry it a long way, but not far enough to make it anything more than a pleasant diversion less raunchy than “Austin Powers.” Parents should know that there are some PG-13 sexual references, including prostitutes and Loveless’ impotence and a lot of cartoon-style action- violence.