Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Posted on January 24, 2013 at 11:52 pm

Once upon a time, a brother and sister were left in the woods by their father. They came upon a house made of candy that turned out to be owned by a witch, who used it to lure children and then fatten them up so she could eat them. But the children outwitted the witch by shoving her in the oven. The classic Grimm story is quickly dispatched in the first few moments of this fanboy fantasy so that we can get to the good stuff. Hansel and Gretel, it seems, developed a taste for killing witches. They grow up to be Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, who haul their arsenal from town to town as something between bounty hunters, exorcists, and hitmen. And “Ghostbusters.” It’s got special effects and some rocking fight scenes, and its cheeky anachronisms and brief running time (under 90 minutes) mean that it is over before the audience gets a chance to get tired of it.

There’s a lot of winking at each other and the audience. A local fan of the duo (he has a 14th century scrapbook filled with their pre-Gutenberg news clippings) offers Gretel some porridge and assures her that it is not too hot or too cold but just right. The local milkman delivers milk in bottles with drawings of missing children tied to them. And the siblings have some Batman-worthy gear, including a device that draws electricity from a hand-crank, useful for zapping witches or, in a pinch, a bit of defibrillation.

Hansel and Gretel are hired by the mayor of a town where nearly a dozen children are missing. The local sheriff (“Fargo’s” Peter Stormare) does not trust them and, more important, wants to stay in charge. It does not help when Hansel tells the sheriff that the woman he is about to burn as a witch is not, and when Gretel head-butts him and breaks his nose. He sends his own search party into the forest, but they are killed by a witch (Famke Janessen). So, it is up to Hansel and Gretel after all, and it turns out that they have just three days before a “blood moon” will rise that gives the witches a rare chance to make themselves more powerful and much harder to kill.

The production design by Stephen Scott is imaginative and nicely varied, avoiding the trap of looking too Disney-fied. The witches are eerily insect-like in their motions and sounds; there are moments when it feels like they are slightly more human-looking Predators. Arterton and Renner look sensational in their tight, laced-up leather and handle the action scenes with a lot of verve. It is silly, but it is entertaining.

Parents should know that the movie has intense and extensive fantasy violence with some graphic and disturbing images, including a medieval version of assault weapons, crossbows, knives, and a lot of throwing people around. Human and witch characters are injured and killed. Characters drink and use strong language and there is brief female rear nudity and a non-explicit sexual situation.

Family discussion: Why didn’t Hansel want to talk about his parents? Why did Gretel want to talk about them? Why didn’t the sheriff trust them?

If you like this, try: “Stardust” and “Dragonslayer”

Quartet

Posted on January 24, 2013 at 6:00 pm

There is something splendid about seeing fine actors at the top of their game, still nailing it — in a movie about older performers, still nailing it. Last year, it was Maggie Smith in “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.” On television, she is the highlight of the world’s favorite television series, “Downton Abbey.” And now, the two-time Oscar winner continues her total world domination as the diva in “Quartet,” an endearing story of an assisted living facility for retired musicians and singers.

The setting is intriguing, a grand but decaying assisted living facility for retired musicians and singers. First-time director Dustin Hoffman and his luminous cast of actors bring wit, dignity, and all their years of experience to bring the characters to life far in excess of the predictable plot and one-infirmity-to-a-character screenplay that seems to have been inspired by “The Golden Girls.” Like Sophia, Wilf (Billy Connelly) has an age-related impairment of his impulse control, and because he is old, his constant references to sex and attempts to hit on any female he sees are supposed to be funny. Connelly makes Wilf far more appealing than that description contemplates but showing us the character’s vulnerability and good spirits in the face of the loss of control of what he says and of his ability to be the kind of man who has access to opportunities for passion.

The Rose of the group is Cissy, played by one of my favorite actresses, Pauline Collins (the original “Upstairs Downstairs,” “No Honestly,” “Shirley Valentine”). She struggles with forgetfulness but has a sweet nature. Then there’s stern Reggie (beautifully played by Tom Courteney of “The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner” and “Doctor Zhivago”), the Dorothy figure, and the Blanche character — the free spirited diva Jean (Maggie Smith), whose arrival creates opportunities and stirs up old conflicts, rivalries, and hurts.

The beloved sanctuary is in financial trouble. The only thing that can save it is the annual fund-raiser concert. If Jean will agree to re-create one of her greatest triumphs, the quartet from “Rigoletto,” performed with Wilf, Reggie, and Cissy, under the direction of the magisterial, caftan-wearing Cedric (Michael Gambon), they could sell enough tickets to keep it going. But Jean does not want to perform. She does not want to be there. She does not want to be old.

There is more than one way to rage against the dying of the light. There is something ineffably touching about the way that “the show must go on” takes on a deeper meaning for these old troupers, both on and off-screen.

Parents should know that this film has strong language and crude humor as well as issues of aging and mortality.

Family discussion: Did this movie make you think differently about getting older? How? Who surprised you the most?

If you like this, try: “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” and “Meeting Venus” and some of the earlier work of these stars, including “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie,” “The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner,” “Shirley Valentine” and “Mrs. Brown”

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After the kids go to bed Music

Smile of the Week: Fireflies

Posted on January 24, 2013 at 11:03 am

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Shorts Smile of the Week

“Everything Else Was True” — “Catfishing” with Manti T’eo and on MTV

Posted on January 23, 2013 at 3:59 pm

Notre Dame football player Manti T’eo says that he was the victim of a heartless hoax. He thought he had a girlfriend who died of cancer. But no such person existed. Although he told people he had seen and spoken to her, it seems now as though his only contact with “her” was online.

This kind of fraud is now referred to as “catfishing,” based on the documentary that showed us a young man’s online relationship with a woman he thought was young, beautiful, and single, who turned out to be middle-aged and married. At the end of that film, her husband told a story.

They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China. They’d keep them in vats in the ship. By the time the codfish reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. So this guy came up with the idea that if you put these cods in these big vats, put some catfish in with them and the catfish will keep the cod agile. And there are those people who are catfish in life. And they keep you on your toes. They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank god for the catfish because we would be droll, boring and dull if we didn’t have somebody nipping at our fin.

That young man was Nev Schulman, who now has a series on MTV about other “catfish” relationships. The episodes are heartbreaking, as over and over we see not just the pain of those who discover that they have been lied to, but the anguish of those who are desperate for intimacy and connection but do not believe that they can find it without misrepresenting themselves, and who don’t seem to understand that lying will just make them more isolated. “Everything else was true,” says one “catfisher,” who lied about his age, his photo, where he lived, and how many children he had.

Online relationships are inherently deceptive because we can’t help projecting more of our hopes and wishes than we realize onto the words on a screen. Parents should use the story of Manti T’eo and the “Catfish” television series to talk to teenagers about the importance of being careful.

Win a Copy of My New Book: 101 Must-See Movie Moments

Posted on January 23, 2013 at 8:00 am

My new book is out in paperback! 101 Must-See Movie Moments is available on Amazon for $12, but I have three autographed copies to give away. It’s 101 brief essays on great moments in neglected movies (like “Miss Tatlock’s Millions,” “The April Fools,” and “Wives and Lovers,”) and neglected moments in classic movies, (like “Sounder,” “The Godfather,” “The Shining,” and “Top Gun”), plus the singing underpants in “The Tall Guy.” Send me an email at moviemom@moviemom.com with 101 in the subject line and tell me one of your favorite movie moments. Don’t forget your address! (US addresses only.) I’ll pick three winners at random on January 30. Don’t forget, whether you win a copy or not — if you write a review on Amazon, I’ll send you a free ebook — either my 50 Must-See Movies: Weddings or 50 Must-See Movies: Mothers.